I’ve been procrastinating on this blog post since New Year’s Eve. Somehow, every time I sit down to think about writing it, I end up in tears. I really am not overstating things in saying that 2008 was the worst year of my life. Mostly, it was a year filled with death. With the added fun of almost complete financial ruin thanks to my employers severely cutting the hours of every casual employee on their rosters.

If you’re freezing on your left side
And you’re boiling on your right side
Then I guess you might be warm upon the line
There are many ways one can divide a life
And I’ve got mine

I was flying home and I
Saw the sunset from the sky
I saw the dark come spooning down upon the land
And I thought about the distance we all cover
And it made me sad

And as the old year took a bow
And joined the setting sun
It comes around again
Like a refrain
And we all sing along
And think of things we should’ve done
Till one year when the new year never came

Little comfort, little comfort
I’m afraid you’re not enough
I’ve had some learning both unwelcome and unkind
And it seems there’s but one story told
And then re-worked all throughout time

Are you a good one or a cruel one
Is it just the laws that make us bad
What can we do to measure where we stand
Well I judge myself by what I give to someone else
So I’ll know where I am

Don’t let that sense of urgency betray you in the dark
The rustle of a curtain’s not a sign
Don’t frame this picture now
As some kind of closing remark
And most of all stay warm upon the line
Most of all stay warm upon the line
It’s best if you stay warm upon the line

For the past week I’ve had this song running through both my head and my iPod. One of the few things I did spend money on in 2008 was Josh Pyke’s new album, Chimney’s Afire. I haven’t had a radio for a long time, so haven’t heard of a lot of new musicians. I’m finding this nice, because when I do discover something I love, it comes free of preconceived notions and others opinions. I’d downloaded one of his earlier songs from iTunes when they had it as free song of the week. After listening over and over and over, I took myself down to JB HiFi and splashed out on this and Red Letter Year by Ani DiFranco. The latter has left me a bit cold — I’ve only managed a few listens — but the former has been pretty much on constant repeat since.

I appreciate the sentiment here. I don’t want to fall into the trap of thinking that now 2008 is over, all the crappy shit that happened is done and everything from here on in will come up roses. But I do appreciate the idea of marking time, a circle around the sun, starting afresh. I hated 2008, but I don’t want to, or shouldn’t, forget the things that happened. I’m not even going to look back at last years resolutions, because I know they all went to hell (well, if I believed in hell) in a handbasket around about March.

I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It’s when you know you’re licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what. You rarely win, but sometimes you do.

I was reminded of this snippet from To Kill A Mockingbird the other day, when I stumbled across it on the Contrariwise blog. That’s my goal for the year. Courage. Perseverance. In the little things and the big things. See them through. That ball of yarn up there that got tangled in the dyebath? I think it’s a lost cause, but I’m going to try and untangle it anyway.

Tom? We’ve had a rough time these past couple of months, but we’ve made a commitment and all the hard work and stress is paying off. Tom attacked Stella a month or so ago when he found a bone dumped outside our house and Stella came near him. Our parents and our friends thought we were doing the wrong thing and expressed opinions about taking him back to the greyhound adoption program. But I’m not giving up on my puppy. Stella’s had her stitches out. Every day since we’ve been working with Tom to weed out his food aggression issues and it’s working, slowly but surely. This morning we brought them both in to lay on the bed for a while and they fell asleep using each other as pillows.

Aside from that, I really can’t make resolutions for 2009. Because I don’t know what’s happening. I’m stuck in no man’s land waiting for answers. I’ve applied for my honours year at uni, and while everyone else from printmaking has heard and been accepted, I’ve only received a letter saying that my application is still being processed and I’ll hear as soon as there is news either way. Earlier in the year I was “let go” from a crappy casual second job I had at Mr C’s work because I couldn’t guarantee my future availabilty. I didn’t get the job at the yarn shop because the people interviewing me think I’m good enough to succeed with my Pixar goal and hence, didn’t want to bother training someone who would leave after a year (note to self: don’t accidentally spill life plans and dreams during job interviews). So I’m stuck in a job that I hate, with its dwindling hours, until I find something better. So I’ve applied for jobs and am now waiting to hear about those as well. Everything in my life feels like it’s frozen. I’m headed into uncharted territory.

Hic sunt leones.